As I mature, I realize that time itself does not give someone a permanent place in your life. Unfortunately, some “friends” must go, regardless of how long you’ve known them.

Contrarian friends were first on my list.

These were the ones who argued against me simply for the sake of arguing, who vehemently took the counter position to my every viewpoint. At first, I thought it was just challenging me. I told myself this was what intellectually stimulating friendships looked like—two people exchanging ideas, sharpening each other’s perspectives, and refusing to live in an echo chamber. I considered it healthy. I thought perhaps this person was helping me think more critically, forcing me to examine my beliefs from every angle.

But over time, I realized that healthy intellectual challenge isn’t defined by constant disagreement. It’s defined by curiosity. Someone who genuinely wants to challenge your thinking asks questions. They seek to understand how you arrived at your conclusion. They occasionally offer another perspective because they believe it adds something meaningful to the conversation.

A contrarian, on the other hand, isn’t interested in understanding you. They’re interested in opposing you. It almost doesn’t matter what your position is because theirs is automatically the opposite. The conversation stops being an exchange of ideas and becomes an exhausting exercise in defending every thought that leaves your mouth.

That’s when I realized I wasn’t being intellectually challenged—I was being intellectually exhausted.

This type of behavior is actually quite disrespectful and energetically draining. I noticed that those who display contrarian behavior often display other disrespectful behaviors. For example, in my case, the person continuously interrupted after I explained many times how rude and disrespectful this action is. They continued and insisted they would keep doing it. I would take breaks from the friendship to reset and then return again, hoping things would be different. Same behavior, sometimes worse—interrupting and talking over me. Continuously.

And I just woke up one day and canceled my almost 20-year subscription to whatever type of friendship / frenemy-ship that was.

It usually isn’t until you walk away from something that you can really see the full effect that it had on you. Internally, you start second-guessing yourself, your views, and your own perception of things. Yuck!

But once I left that friendship and the constant opposition disappeared, I realized how peaceful my mind had become. I wasn’t mentally rehearsing conversations anymore. I wasn’t anticipating the next debate over something that never needed to be a debate in the first place. I wasn’t preparing to defend my own thoughts before I had even spoken them.

Healthy friendships challenge you sometimes. They don’t challenge your existence.

There is a difference between someone who respectfully offers another perspective and someone whose default setting is opposition. One expands your thinking. The other makes you feel like you’re on trial for having an opinion.

Not every conversation needs a devil’s advocate.

Not every opinion requires cross-examination.

Not every coffee date should feel like an oral argument.

Eventually, I had to ask myself a difficult question: How often do I actually feel good after spending time with this person?

The answer was almost never. So, the analysis ended there. 

It was over and done for me.