I had what was once a great friendship with a nice guy I met in 2012. We were 26 and 24 years old at the time. He was just coming out of a negative relationship, and I had recently returned to my hometown to reset my goals after experiencing a chaotic situation. I was not open to being in a relationship with anyone at that time. Only platonic friends. Full stop. No exceptions. I needed massive healing, and so did he.
The kindness, consideration, and support we showed each other were incredibly nourishing for us both. We had the best of times hanging out together…late night Taco Bell in the car…road trips and going on fun adventures.
We both grew healthier and happier, and good things came into both of our lives. The initial foundation of this friendship was extremely healthy and positive, and I remain grateful for that to this day.
We remained good friends when I moved away to Charlottesville, Virginia in 2013, and our hangout sessions picked back up when I returned to my hometown in 2015.
By 2022, we had been friends for 10 years. However, one of the foundational elements of our friendship began to disappear: honesty.
I started noticing inconsistencies in conversations about his personal life. Over time, those inconsistencies made it difficult for me to know what was true and what wasn’t. More importantly, I realized that the openness and honesty that had always defined our friendship were beginning to disappear.
I addressed the issue. This wasn’t about privacy. He didn’t need to tell me anything if he didn’t want to. I wasn’t asking. But he did need to be honest about the things he was telling me.
Unfortunately, the pattern continued.
That was difficult for me because this was not a casual acquaintance. This was someone I had shared ten years of life with. I cared about him and wanted the friendship to continue. For a long time, I hoped the issue would resolve itself and that we could return to the openness and honesty that had once defined our relationship. But eventually I had to accept reality, rather than continue hoping things would change.
I tried to ignore it, but I have no place for ongoing dishonesty in my relationships. I simply believe that honesty is the foundation upon which every healthy relationship is built. Whether a relationship is romantic, familial, professional, or platonic, trust cannot survive where honesty is absent. Period.
Once I communicated my concerns and the behavior continued, I had a decision to make. I could either lower my standards for the sake of preserving the friendship, or I could remain true to my values. After ten years of friendship, I chose my values.
It was not an act of anger. It was not an act of punishment. It was simply the natural consequence of a boundary that had been clearly communicated and repeatedly disregarded.
One thing I want to make clear is that ending the friendship does not erase the good that came before it.
For ten years, this person was part of my life. He was there for me during difficult seasons, and I will always be grateful for that. Some of my favorite memories were made during our friendship, and I look back on those years with fondness. In fact, if our paths were to cross again someday and he genuinely needed help, I would help him if I could. I can appreciate what the friendship once was while also recognizing that it was no longer what I needed it to be.